Friday, June 13, 2008

Political dictionary

Political viewpoints amongst my friends and family run the gamut. Based on some recent exchanges I decided to organize everyone into a neat little hierarchy based on what information they choose to believe and using readily identifiable labels. My objective here is to offend everyone equally, so if you're not ticked off by the description applied to whichever label you identify with, please let me know. They're organized in alphabetical order so nobody can claim preferential treatment--like I said, I'm an equal opportunity offender.

Democrat: one who believes anything she sees on CNN, anything she hears on NPR news, and anything she reads in the New York Times or forwarded to her in email from another party member. Most favored the invasion of Iraq in 2003 but have since recanted that position and use their advanced degree in liberal arts or social sciences as a means to deflect criticism and construct an argument about how they were always opposed to the war.

Green Party: one who believes anything he sees while chained to a tree in a forest about to be logged, anything he hears while buying vegetable oil for his 1979 diesel VW rabbit, and anything he reads on the newsletter printed on the back of an old placemat at the store that sells recycled bicycles and bamboo clothing.

Independent: one who responds to the political emails from friends and acquaintances of any of the other parties with de-bunking responses linked to such unassailable sources as snopes and wikipedia and gets her news by listening to multiple outlets from right and left and choosing to believe the parts presented in the most logical rhetoric.

Libertarian: one who doesn't believe anything he sees or hears from any mainstream media source but who carefully logs into his webmail from an internet cafe to read the alternet list-serv and who listens to pirate radio while cleaning his guns and watering his marijuana garden. His favorite television program is typically Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, but only because of Richard Belzer.

Republican: one who believes anything he sees on Fox News Channel, anything he hears on Rush Limbaugh, anything he reads in the Wall Street Journal or forwarded to him in email from another party member, or anything negative written about any of the Clintons.

Socialist: one who can't afford radio, television, internet, or newspapers, but rereads second-hand copies of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels while waiting in line to pick up her welfare check and food stamps before returning home to her rent-controlled apartment.