Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Granting wishes

When my mom was a little girl and people asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, she said “a cowboy.”

If they responded “don’t you mean a cowgirl?” She would say,

“No, a cowboy.”

Her commitment to this career path was such that she even tried to pee standing up. I’m not sure if she kept her boots on or not.

Neither the “peeing standing up” part nor the “cowboy” part of her childhood plans worked out. After the last of her seven kids started school, she followed him there and has been teaching ever since.

Her retirement party is this Friday. Being the thoughtful and eminently practical son that I am, I am going to simultaneously solve a persistent problem and fulfill a lifelong dream.

You see, my mom never really got over the “peeing standing up”  thing. And now, when she rides her bike, she envies the men who can duck behind a tree. She has more than once been dehydrated, sometimes severely, for fear of over-hydrating and having no place to go.

So last night I took the youngest two and went to Cabela’s. Incidentally, Cabela’s is just like going to the zoo for little kids. Except the animals are all dead. Well except for the fish. Kids five and under don’t seem to care, though, and think it’s the coolest place ever. I’m going to start taking them there more often since it’s free and just down the hill from my house.

At Cabela’s I got my mom a Lady J. Should be small and light enough to fit in a jersey pocket. Maybe not quite as convenient as it is for the men to duck behind a tree, but still possible.

My embarrassment at checkout was on par with buying tampons for my wife, but it was worth it to fulfill a dream my mom has had since childhood.

Congratulations on your retirement, Mom!


  1. dude, buying embarrassing things is the BEST. i love walking the tampon aisle on my cell phone, saying stuff like "but these are the SUPERS. are you sure you need the supers?"

    you think i'm kidding. i'm not kidding.

  2. Gives new meaning to the old "don't piss on my boots and tell me it's raining" quote.

    Will your mother open this gift at a large retirement party? Buying it may have been the least embarrassing part of the experience...

  3. I'm sure the gift will be memorable. In a million years I would never have thought of that gift for my Mom. Way to boldly go.

  4. That is awesome. I had no idea that little beauty was on the market. I think I know where I'll be tonight...

  5. That is AWESOME! She will LOVE it! :)

  6. Condoms, Listerine and Purple boys underwear, K-Mart Nicholasville Road, Lexington, Ky mid 90's.

    Very specific reasons for each, unfortunate timing and funny looks as a result, I am sure that if I made the purchase today, I would end up on some national 'list'