Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I’m an addict. This confession is implicit in the name of the blog. I like to think that as addictions go, mine are pretty benign. But “healthy addiction” is probably an oxymoron.

Big news in celebrity gossip is that Jesse James has checked himself into rehab. Tiger did the same thing to deal with his addiction. What I’d like to know, though, is what man isn’t addicted to sex? Jesse and Tiger certainly have problems, but it’s not that they like sex too much. It’s that they have exceptionally poor taste. I mean they’ve respectively forsaken this:


For this?


Nasty. I hope the therapy they’re getting is to fix their sense of beauty. Because aside from being unbelievably stupid, that’s the only explanation I can come up with for choosing to get anywhere near either of those women without a hazmat suit.

Of course, there’s no accounting for taste when it comes to addiction. Case in point, a recent study suggests that people can become addicted to hostess ding dongs. And it’s not just that they like ding dongs. It’s a full on, chemical-based addiction, just like cocaine. Ding dongs cause a dopamine release. The body likes the dopamine but develops a tolerance to a certain level of ding dong consumption, so the user has to eat more and more ding dongs to get the same high. I’m not making this up.

I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' to get a little better
Said the little better than before

Perhaps Dunford double chocolate donuts will take on a street name. Too bad Mr. Brownstone is taken.

I’ve got no problem if people like sweet, fatty foods. I like sweet, fatty foods. I like the stuff Rachel makes better than what comes in a package (and thankfully I’m the one that married her, because it would be a little weird if I were just hanging around in her kitchen waiting for a cookie with her husband watching). But there’s also some tasty stuff in a package. I’ve just learned, out of necessity, because I used to be incredibly fat, to enjoy them in moderation.

I get a little bugged, though, when people think fast food, soda, and candy are harmless, but other things that may be no more addictive are evil. Sure, alcoholism, lung cancer, and drug abuse are all public health issues, but so are type 2 diabetes, obesity, and heart disease. And while nobody I know would consider giving cigarettes to a baby, childhood obesity is a major concern.

Here in Utah, our lawmakers are fond of vice taxes targeting potentially-addictive substances. Just in the last legislative session, a $1 per pack addition to the cigarette tax was passed. The cigarette tax I’m sure was presented as a means of simultaneously discouraging people from smoking and raising money for education—both worthwhile objectives. But if they were really serious about making education a priority and improving public health, we’d see a tax on sugary foods, ice cream, and diet coke. Maybe then we could reduce class sizes and pay our teachers something approaching the type of compensation they deserve.

But then again, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.


  1. I think they should levy a heavy tax on tatoo ink. My hell what were those girls thinking.

    Rehab is just BS. Their mistake, both of them, was getting married. If they were single then no one cares. Make a commitment and then cheat and well you are a Dirt Bag.

    Back to my box of Twinkies.

  2. Brace yourself, for I feel as if I'm about to use your comment section to monologue.

    First, a tax on the ink thing is not a bad idea. Think about how hard the body works to get rid of that yicky ink. It's a very foreign substance and the skin will forever try to shed it. Not that I don't think the ink is cool or pretty to look at -- it's just foreign. Of course I feel the same about surgical implants of all types too. Most of those are cool and pretty to look at as well.

    Second, Jesse, Jesse, JESSE. I like Jesse and I'm so very disappointed. If I remember right, he's been sober many years. I always thought he was a great role model for recovering addicts. He blew it though. Bad. I mean, how could he cheat on a nice southern girl who saved a giant from the projects and taught him to play football? Jesse!

  3. who cares about what false idols do, well, i don't.

    Now I can get behind taxing things like certain foods. That and road races, cause those are stupid.

  4. Tax Diet Coke? Oh yeah, how about we tax all AT gear to cover rescue costs? I kid, I kid. You can tax Diet Pepsi all you want.

  5. What gets me about the tattoo model- and young people who cover most of their bodies with tattoos in general- isn’t that they get tattoos, but that they use up so much “real estate” so early in life. This just seems so phenomenally inconsiderate of their future 40 and 50 year-old selves. Where are they (the future-selves) supposed to get tattooed?

    BTW, I am addicted to Crunchy Cheetos. And I have a tattoo.

  6. How about we make it simple. Tax anyone in front of me in a lift line...